Louisville Satirical Digest

Senator Jim Bunning To Appear In The New Season Of Lost

2008-08-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

Louisville, KY. Baseball and fossil fuel enthusiast Senator Jim Bunning will appear in the new season of ABC's hit television series Lost. He will play a character called Jim Bunning who mysteriously appears on the island as one of the seventy-one survivors of a plane crash.

" He does not remember getting on the plane. He only remembers that his name is Jim Bunning, that's he's a United States Senator and that he absolutely adores rich people," Bunning said while masticating tirelessly on a piece of Canadian bacon.

Bunning agreed to do the show because he has always wanted to act. In high school he won the role of a sturgeon in a play written by his drama teacher about Alaskan fisherman. In the play the fishermen catch the sturgeon and eat him.

"The drama teacher said that the sturgeon represented capitalism and that by eating me the fisherman were denouncing its inherent iniquity. The teacher was a faggot and a commie," Bunning responded with his mouth full of biscuit and gravy.

A Lost insider says that Bunning's character soon develops a love interest. He is out hunting for environmentalists when he falls down a hole. He soon works out that he's discovered a coalmine. According to the insider Bunning and the coalmine fall instantly in love.

Bunning starts to date the coalmine, taking it gifts everyday, including: bottled carbon emissions and asthmatic children. Eventually they consummate the relationship.

"That's quite a scene", Bunning grinned, "I don't think sex between a consenting adult and a coalmine has been shown on network television before."

Bunning insisted that the sex is tastefully handled or he would not have agreed to do it.

"It's all done in soft focus, no genitalia or coalmine crevices are displayed. At the point of climax the director cuts to some film of Mitch McConnell entering the Whitehouse through a rear entrance," Bunning said while chewing the end off a country sausage.

Comb Over?" Robert Felner Must Have My Job," Insists Ramsey

2008-08-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Louisville, KY. James Ramsey, the President of the University of Louisville spoke candidly yesterday about why Robert Felner, the former dean of UofL's College of Education and Human Development, must have his job.

"Robert Felner is paragon of probity. He's charming and sexy. Everybody loves him. He owns four houses with the combined value of 2.9 million dollars. On a salary of $250,000 per year that demonstrates what a total financial Harry Potter he is. Of course he is older than Potter and has more facial hair, but you get my point. The ladies love him. He has three wives and two other women who are not married to him yet. This man's Ron Jeremy with a PhD. I'm not saying he is as well hung as Jeremy but Robert is more academically hung than the dean of Celluloid jism. I think," said Ramsey.

Ramsey said he would be retiring in about six weeks which coincides with the conclusion of the FBI's investigation into allegations that the former education dean mishandled a $694,000 federal grant. Despite this Ramsey insists that Felner would be strong candidate to replace him.

"All this FBI crap is just a big pile of crap on top of a bigger pile of crap," wept Ramsey. " It's jealousy. The FBI, poorly dressed faculty, economy-car-driving staff and the strange young trespassers who wander through the halls of the University with big books and blank expressions. They all secretly want to be Robert Felner. God, I'd give you my right arm if I could be him for just one day. He's a great entrepreneur. Who else could get the Federal Government to legally pay their mortgages? That's unalloyed genius and we need more of it at this university, and less of this so called academic excellence. Show me the money that's what I say. I want people that can attract hard cash to the university. I don't need more academics. I've got those coming out of my shitter," Ramsey growled before beginning to cry again.

Robert Felner was unavailable for comment via hand held communication devices. However, he did send an email which I reproduce below.

"I appreciate President Ramsey's support and I agree with him that I will make an excellent UofL commander-in-chief. However, I am setting my sights higher. When the FBI exonerates me and apologizes on bended knees, I will begin my run for the presidency of the United States. In my first forty days in office I will increase the funding to the National Institutes of Housing by fifty percent. It is essential that University deans do not have to endure the hardship of being without multiple homes. Historically the NIH has been underfunded and I will change this when I become president. My Campaign slogan is: 'Have you been Robbed yet? Then Hug Me I'm Robert.' I hope you like it."

Churchill Downs Awarded Nation State Status By The United Nations

2008-07-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

Louisville, Ky. Churchill Downs traditionally a horse racing venue will, in the future, be just a little bit more than a place to fall-over drunk and lose your life savings.

This week a unanimous vote at the United Nations declared Churchill Downs a country from September 1, 2008.

The newest country in the world will be know has the Equine Republic of Churchill Downia. It will have its own currency: the Spires, which will be the only unit of currency acceptable within its national territory.

"We will also require people visiting our country to have valid passports," said the Equine Republic's Minister of Propaganda, Felicity Whip-hand Von Bastard. "Even if they are just visiting the track to benefit our economy. It's a security issue."

The Equine Republic plans to go nuclear immediately. The Pentagon confirmed that it would furnish the world's first racetrack-as-nation with a significant arsenal of nuclear weapons.

"Any unauthorized violation of our national border will be met with extreme force," said acting Life Chancellor Fredrick Von Eugenics. "Imagine a horse being whipped into a frenzy by a miniature man, with a Napoleon Complex, who when not riding a horse is either sitting in a sauna, or starving himself to the edge of anorexia. In short, you will be whipped to a pulp by our team of crack under-nourished midgets if you disrespect our right to exist as a nation."

The acting Life Chancellor showed me elaborate plans to transform the in-field into a one-thousand story building which would house the country's businesses and citizens. The tower will retract into the ground on Derby Day so tourists can be sick and uncomfortably sweaty without the burden of the gargantuan erection.

The acting Life Chancellor accepts that in order to build his new nation he will have to allow immigration.

"We will not discriminate in any way. We will determine our new citizens based on the strength of their bloodlines, their heritage and their ability to be white. Outsiders considering this criteria for citizenship will no doubt think this fascist. And that's exacting what I think it is too, " said the acting Life Chancellor.

Humana Building Demolition Caused By Hijacked Aircraft Not Implosion Claims Eye Witness

2008-07-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

Louisville, KY. Local film critic and anti-toothpaste activist , Paulo Sparticus, said that he saw an airplane crash into the old Humana building, the force of which brought down the structure.

"There were clearly no explosives in that building. I did not see or hear any. What I did see, although this is not clear on the television footage, was a Boeing 757 aircraft hit the building. The force of the impact made the building collapse like a underweight maiden who has imbibed two bottles of Jack Daniels on an empty stomach," said a seething Sparticus.

Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson , speaking from his home bathtub surrounded by tepid water and rapidly extinguishing bubbles thought the notion to be risible.

" Everyone saw the building fall over because it was detonated. If a plane hit the building where is the wreckage?... No get that dog out of here, no it can't get in the bath with me. There's not enough room. Get it out of here. Sweet Fannie Mae it just tried to fellate me," said the distracted Mayor.

Sparticus says he received a phone call prior to the building's collapse from a passenger on board the plane.

" The passenger said, ' Is that Paulo Sparticus? This is a collection agency calling on behalf of American Express, you have not paid your credit card bill is over two months, when do you intend to pay?' I knew immediately what this so called telemarketer meant by 'American Express' , he was referring to the American war machine and its CIA and Bilderberg benefactors. Another red flag was that this passenger claimed to be called Tony but he had a heavy Indian accent," said Sparticus, as he filmed footage of me for his up-and-coming internet documentary: 'The Idol Conspiracy'

Sparticus claims that rejected American Idol tryouts were induced by CIA operatives with the promise of appearing in the final twelve of the competition, if they hijacked the aircraft.

" It's not a coincidence that Louisville was hosting the American Idol auditions on the same day that this building was brought down. The CIA, the Trilateral Commission, Simon Cowell and the British Monarchy have been planning this for years. Their aim is to build a indoor sports arena, which will be used as a base to microchip and enslave the world", said Sparticus.

JOHN YARMUTH: I'M TOO HANDSOME FOR CONGRESS

2008-07-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC. In a shocking revelation made in the House of Representatives this week, John Yarmuth said that he was, "too handsome for this place."

"I look around me and I see nothing but rotund guts, comb-overs, and faces that would not be out of place in Picasso paintings. Now I'm as liberal as the next publishing millionaire but you folks are bucket- of- shit grotesque."

Yarmuth's office recently received a call from Tom Cruise's people. They indicated that they would like Yarmuth to play L. Ron Hubbard in Cruise's new movie.

"I told them that I looked so good I could play Cruise's son. They are thinking about that, but the point is, we need to spy on the American people and drill for oil in Alaska," said Yarmuth.

Wrigley Shooter, Tom Cruise's spokesman, said that Yarmuth was seriously being considered for the role. "Tom was watching C-SPAN a few days ago and John came on. Tom shouted, 'that's him, that's L. Ron Hubbard.' I told Tom that L. Ron Hubbard was dead, but he insisted that John Yarmuth was Hubbard's reincarnation. Tom thinks Yarmuth would be a good fit for his movie about his life growing up with the Scientology guru. The title of the film is 'He Teached Me Everything I Knew.'"

Mitch McConnell: Check Email For People Offering Free Money

2008-07-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC. Yesterday Senator Mitch McConnell Discussing the American economy said people should check their email for offers of free money.

"I know times are hard", said the gnome-like senator, " but people just have to check their email because there are folks in my in box willing to give me millions of dollars for doing nothing. I know it sounds fantastical but others have told me they get the same overtures in their email too. Jim Bunning is currently negotiating with the managing director of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation. He has promised to transfer $25,320,000.00 into Jim's bank account. All Jim has to do is send the Nigerian his bank details. This is free money."

Senator McConnell said that it was the duty of every American to take advantage of this philanthropy.

" We have been giving to Africa for so long. Now it is their turn to give back to the American people. Wealth and prosperity is just a click away."

McConnell added that Senator Bunning had recently wired $20,000 to Lagos to help the transaction along.

"It's a small investment which will pay Jim huge dividends," McConnell said.

Vanity Morehead

2008-06-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

Vanity Morehead is the CEO of the 4th of July Group. She knows all about life in the business battlefield and is willing to dispense her wisdom for free or until the market dictates that she charge you for her services.

Dear Vanity,

Is it fair that McDonalds acquires such vast profits yet pays its employees a pittance, keeping them frozen in perpetual poverty? I am a McDonald's associate who is thoroughly pissed and ready to fight back.

Vanity's Response:

You are in the wrong profession my dear. If you were to demand more money the whole fabric of civilization would collapse leaving in its wake a perma black-and-white nation in the yoke of socialism. Better you close your eyes and dream the American dream. Your name and address has been forwarded to McDonald's headquarters.

LSD TV

2008-06-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

Super CEO, ABC, Thurs 3PM

Cartoon series that follows the exploits of a Chief Executive Officer who miraculously transforms into a human being when the small of his back is touched by a hairy hand. This induces the CEO to battle the iniquities of poverty and greed. This week Super CEO changes into a human being while on FOX News. Simultaneously, he is given a Swedish massage by the endoscopic probe to the rich, Neil Cavuto.

What Is The News?, KET, Sat 7AM

An explanation from a KET employee delivered from a half-open cupboard. Off-screen another KET flunky blows bubbles and shouts random Hindi adjectives. Don Schroeder's right hand makes a brief guest appearance.

Tobacco Talking, KET, Mon 9PM

Kentucky Residents discuss recent cigarettes they have smoked. John Yarmuth discusses the lobby of his home which is made exclusively from tobacco products. Mitch McConnell drops by to show his collection of phallic objects made from tobacco.

Do You want Another War You Wage Slave Fuckwits? If Not I suggest You Shut Up And Listen Dutifully To Your Corporate Superiors, ABC Fri, 9PM

Regis Philbin hosts this new game show where he poses this question to fearful and desperate members of the public who need to land the jackpot to pay-off spiralling debts.

Jim Bunning Unveils His New Invention: A Suit Made of Coal.

2008-06-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

Louisville, KY. The Louisville Science Museum hosted Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning's announcement of his new invention: a suit made of coal. Senator Bunning, 101, claims that clothing made from the fossil fuel will revolutionize the world of men's evening wear and wedding attire.

"I expect the new coal suit to transcend the tuxedo by 1950. If you don't report this accurately then I will not be surprised. You are a bunch of liberals, and if Boston were a tree you would no doubt hug it. You lot would not know innovation if you saw Rudolph Valentino drive-by in one of those automobile contraptions," warbled Bunning.

Bunning's invention uses liquefied coal that is transformed into clothing by cajoling the coal to form a suit.

"I talk to the liquefied coal", Bunning whispered through gritted teeth, " I say something like get into the shape of a suit, give me 34inch pants and a jacket with a 40inch chest, and the coal changes into a suit."

Bunning claims that he has been talking to pieces of coal for much of his life. But it was only when liquefied that it responded to his admonishments.

"I used to urge lumps of coal to transform themselves into suits but nothing ever happened. But six months ago Mitch McConnell gave me some liquefied coal for my birthday. I headed straight to the bathroom and started to converse with it. I said make me a suit Master Coal, and it darn well did. It made me a little boy's suit because I did not specify measurements. I gave it to Mitch McConnell because he collects little boy's attire," said Bunning.

Bunning plans to market the suits to WalMart who he claims are very enthusiastic about the product.

"These suits are catastrophic for the environment and that's what appeals to people. They are sick of naysayers talking about America getting warmer. If they don't like the weather they should go and live in the Soviet Union with Thomas Paine and Paul Robeson. We can either ignore global warming or we can ignore global warming. I chose the latter," said Bunning.

Governor's Mansion To Be Replaced By Big Roulette Wheel

2008-04-15T17:45:00.000-07:00

Frankfort, KY. Speaking from the basement of the Governor's Mansion, Steve Beshear addressed a select group of local journalists chosen for their drug and gambling addictions.

Beshear who now insists people refer to him as "Hit Me" revealed his plans to transform the 94 year old residence into a giant roulette wheel.

"It will be like the ones in Vegas only bigger, but it will not be on a green baize or housed in a faux medieval castle. When you go into the new mansion you will see lines of slot machines. We are going to hire lots of overweight people to play on these. It will summon that classic mix of depression and poverty as well as creating two-hundred minium wage jobs for Kentucky." Said Beshear.

Beshear plans to change the address of the mansion to 13 Black, Capitol Avenue, because it's his lucky number. There will also be a large white ball obstructing the front door. Because of this he claims, entry to the mansion will be through a nearby window.

The roulette wheel is to be twenty-seven stories high and spin like a regular casino wheel. This circular motion will generate power for the mansion's utilities and also redirect the stench of the working poor away from the residence.

"It will be like a fan. My biggest fan", joked the Governor while fingering his freshly dyed white hair.

The Governor then ordered me and the other journalists to sit around a card table. He delt a series of five cards to all of us. My cards were all blanks as were the other journalists. The Governor then put his cards on the table. He had five aces: a diamond, spade, club, heart and a photograph of himself with the word ace etched on his forehead. He then demanded that we give him $50 each or our watches. We all handed over $50 except for the Business First writer who gave him $100. Governor Beshear then discarded his clothes and donned a robe which had Ceasar's Palace emblazoned on its rear. He then got into a nearby camp bed. The duvet, that he pulled-up tighly about his head, had a cover which displayed a series of dogs of playing poker. He then wished us good night and turned out the lights.

RUM! Brands Not Strange Claims Multiple-Chinned CEO

2008-03-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Louisville, KY. Responding to criticism from Kentucky Mental Health Corp that he is a fruitcake with extra fruit, RUM! Brands, formerly Fats TransNational, CEO Dravid Novackian said: "It's sour grapes. People are jealous of my wealth and increasing weight. Many hundreds of years ago, before Rum! Brands, one's weight was a sign of wealth, and I intend to reach my target weight of five-hundred pounds. I'm fabulously wealthy you see, and I want to demonstrate that I'm fabulously wealthy. Look at my flaccid, flabby man-tits. It's what makes America great."

Recently Novackian said that it is the duty of every American to introduce a fourth daily meal to their diet in order to fight the recession.

" The fouth meal should be eaten around 10PM and consist of a taco shell filled with cheap lowgrade meat, or a a piece of factory-farmed chicken coated in a golden batter, or a burger, preferably made from a cow that has suffered a slow tortuous death, covered in melted cheese with a piece of lettuce on top."

This call to eat ourselves out of the recession comes with the news that sales at RUM! Brand's domestic restaurants fell by 6% this month when rats dining at a RUM! eatery complained of food poisoning.

"It was an unfortunate incident", said the misshappen CEO, " but what can you do? Stuff happens. The rats told me they would be back despite this. This demonstrates the strength of our brand and the loyalty of our rodent customer base. Look at my gut it hangs down to my balls."

LSD TV

2007-11-21T18:45:00.000-08:00

The Incredible Shit-Filled Man, CBS, Sun 2pm.

A documentary filmed in 3D about the life of writer and human excrement machine Bob Novak. The documentary explores the manifold methods that Mr. Novak can induce shit. Simply by opening his mouth he can propel turd in any direction. It also takes an in-depth look at his new autobiography Shit Happens, and explores Novak's attempt to get an island he owns in the Indian Ocean recognized as the Republic of Turdistan.

Survivor Louisville, ABC, Thursday, 9pm

16 fuckwits culled from from an ABC database of dull consumer automatons attempt to survive the vagaries of living Louisville style. This week our mess of inarticulate monochrome morons are told to find a form of transport other than a car that can get them around the city. A naked Mayor Jerry Abramson appears at the end of the episode mumbling gibberish about Beau Bridges. He is arrested, but escapes to his secret underwater base in the Ohio River.

Mitch McConnell Stare Hour, Fox News, Saturday, 3am

The vacant looks and and astonishingly long stares of the Kentucky Senator are showcased in this Fox News special. The music is provided by Senator Jim Bunning who creates his unique sound by beating a sack of kittens with a baseball bat.

Victoria and Albert

2007-09-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Victoria and Albert:

Have you noticed that when doctors walk they look down at their shoes? I think they are concealing their guilt at being a part of the pharma- fascist complex but my husband thinks its because they like their shoes. What do you think about this?

Response:
Back in 400 A.D. after the plague of ladybugs that hit Turkey, the Ottoman Empire along with its physician class adopted a no shoe policy that precluded the medical profession from wearing foot coverings. Any doctor seen in public with shoes was stoned to death by special stoning squads that roamed the streets looking for such anomalies. That is why doctors tend to look at their feet because historically they have been victimized for wearing shoes.

Dear Victoria and Albert:
I have done some fact checking on your previous response and found it to be without merit. Your modus opperandi seems to be don’t use facts use fiction.

Response:
Sounds to me like you are jealous. Your ancestors were probably the Jealousies who in 1028 slaughtered the Ostentactoes at Troy. They were flummoxed when the Jealousies left a large statue of Paris Hilton outside of the fortress that was home to the Ostentactoes. They brought the stunning statue of the Heiress into the fortress’ boundary and were surprised and ultimately defeated by the Jealosies’ army who emerged from the vagina of Hilton. Get a life you curmudgeonly cur.

Dear Victoria and Albert:
I heard someone on HGTV say that President Bush was worth two in a hand. Is this another example of the liberal media’s bias against the truth and the American Way?

Response:
We share your disgust with Home and Garden Television. For some time now we have been monitoring this seditious pocket of propaganda dressed up as a lifestyle channel. We hope you chip away at the façade of shiny paint and glossy color visualizations.

Vanity Morehead

2007-09-17T13:44:00.001-07:00

Vanity Morehead is the CEO of the 4th of July Group. She knows all about life in the business battlefield and is willing to dispense her wisdom for free or until the market dictates that she charge you for her services.

Question:
Dear Vanity,
I feel under extreme pressure from my boss to sleep with him. He regularly asks me out for drinks and makes suggestive remarks about my body. Could it hurt my career opportunities if I do not kow-tow to his libido?

Answer:
In today’s business environment, teamwork is essential. If everyone does not pull in the same direction the team will collapse like tumbling dominoes. The team is the business and the business is the team. Each team is a collective body, and that body (like any other human body) needs warmth, food, and sex. It is your duty to provide the team with your full attention. Your boss is an integral part of the body much like the brain. I say Y-Shape those legs girl and your company will profit!

Love And Supplication Conference A Roaring Success

2007-09-17T13:38:00.001-07:00

Louisville, KY. Journalists from all over the United States gathered in Louisville Wednesday at the Convention Center for the first Love The Affluent Unconditionally Conference. The prestigious event which attracted many prominent writers was sponsored by the weekly business journal Profit First.

Over a thousand journalists from all over the country were there to discuss how they could make their reports of the powerful and wealthy seem even more sycophantic and apologetic.

“In the past journalists would hold those who controlled the machinery of the state and business accountable for their actions. But all of that has changed, thank God, now we are just indifferent. Besides, that kind of journalism costs money. It harms the bottom line. Just send me your press release and I will print it without question. I don’t even have to leave my office” Sang reporter Accolade Mouse, whose recent investigation into the new Louisville downtown arena, written in verse, revealed it would be: “ like really, really awesome/ if you disagree you are really, really whore scum.”

Participants at the event enjoyed three days of workshops dedicated to fine-tuning fawning writing and refining CEO interviewing etiquette.

“Do you think Bill Gates wants questions about how utterly shit Windows Vista is?” Said Shepherd Islander, conference organiser, and CFO of Granite Publishing owners of the Louisville Cowering Journal. “ He doesn’t want the imposition. We need to drive home this point. Gates is one of the top people on the planet and we should not be dropping big turd bombs on his doorstep like untrained dogs. We need to pay respect to our masters, that’s why these workshops are paramount in the servile training process. Without them journalists will not have the equipment to function obsequiously.”

The Marketing Manager of the Louisville Cowering Journal, Joy Shalala, echoed these sentiments. “Journalism has become an extension of the advertising industry. What we need to do most is please advertisers. We do this by writing copy that enticingly frames the adverts around them. In my professional opinion I think this article would benefit from an advert for a car or a women’s fragrance around the text.”

LSD TV

2007-09-17T13:33:00.001-07:00

Wolf Blitzer: The Man Behind The Face?
CNN, Thursday, 3am.

This animated documentary traces the purported inception of Wolf Blitzer. Shocking evidence is presented that Blitzer was genetically engineered from DNA extracted from Shirley Temple and a wolverine found on Martha Stewart’s estate.

Jeopardy Motherfucker
CBS, Friday, 7:30pm

An episode of the popular quiz show directed by Quintin Tarrantino. With Alex Trefuck as himself.

She’s My Daughter Not My Nanny
ABC, Thursday, 9:00p.m
New sitcom. A handsome recently widowed CEO, David Hasselhoff, employs a nanny, Pamela Anderson, to take care of his nine year old kid, Morgan Fairchild, who suffers from the premature aging disease Hutchinson-Gilford Progesia Syndrome.

The O’Reilly Factor Alfresco
Fox News, Wednesday, 8:00p.m
Bill O’Reilly takes his studio show to the Grand Canyon where he performs to an audience of 750,000. Highlights include a techno version of his word segment and an interview with Dick Morris set to an unrelenting drum machine and an intermittent cuckoo sound.

The Howie Mandell Midget Crossbow Pursuit
NBC, Saturday, 8:00p.m
Howie Mandell is pursued all over the globe by expert bowsmen who are under five feet in stature. This week Mandell is drugged and left in field in Wellington, New Zealand. He is awoken by the diminutive marksmen and made to flea as the arrows fly about the conspicuous pilgarlic. Later he is rescued by the proprietor of a suitcase emporium. He insists that Mandell pose for pictures opening and closing suitcases.

Don Schroeder’s Fingers
Fox, Sunday, 4:00a.m
This week the ubiquitous news warrior, Don Schroeder, gives us an unvarnished view of his fingers. Fox’s unique finger cam displays Schroeder’s fingers from fifty thousand different angles and perspectives. This morning we see his fingers from the point-of-view of a Woodpecker and a Koala Bear.

Ann Northup Redux
Sci-Fi, Tuesday, 7:00pm
An assessment of the career of the erstwhile congresswoman intermittently disrupted by images of car crashes, explosions and natural disasters. Narrated by Amanda Tapping.

Kill Or Be Killed
Lifetime, Thursday, 10:00p.m
Sean Hannity discusses fictional characters culled from 20th century literature and argues why they need to be detained at Gitmo. This week Hannity erects a case against Travelling saleman, Gregor Samsa, who in Kranz Kafka’s 1915 novella wakes one morning to find himself transformed into a giant insect. Hannity argues that he needs to be sent packing to Cuba and, using the sun, tortured with a big magnifying glass before he can mount a campaign of terror against the American state from his insect base camp in the Czech Republic.

This Month's Big Jobs

2007-09-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

Hospitality Industry

Gift Shop Attendant
Looking for workers who enjoy being overworked and underpaid. Boss is unfriendly and demanding. Must be able to smile while miserable and B.S. with patronizing clients. After hours and most weekends required. Minimum M.A. or equivalent. PhD preferred. This is an exciting opportunity to meet the wealthiest and most self-important people in the state as well as the most insecure B-list celebrities on the comedy circuit. $8/hour.

Professional

Administrative Assistant
Seeking an attractive woman who is able to keep boss organized and erect in all situations. Fast fingers (for typing) and bending over during filing required. Must have good sense of humor as boss loves telling jokes. $27,000/year + BONUS available with additional duties.

Government

Intern
Dynamic? Creative? Good Networker? Fundraising abilities? Computer savvy? Able to lick stamps and other things? Seeking local intern for national effort. This program provides young Americans the opportunity get to know their state senators in a way that few Americans imagine. Intern will be paid in life experience.

Medical

Fast drying coopertonicative passeradiosizer
The Baptist-Judeo-Christian Hospital for the Betterment of Industry seeks highly skilled workers in the Fast drying field. RNIIAMBJER required. RNIJWW preferred.

Sales Representative

Are you a Liberal Arts Grad without a future? Desperate? In college you thought only artists starved. They neglected to tell you that English Majors have no future either. Now you can. Join the exciting facile facilitating industry and work on your own terms. Commission based structure means you can earn as much as you want…and if you don’t heh.. you are no worse off because you can continue to live with mom and dad. Blue and Bluer are seeking facile facilitators for Louisville locations. Apply today. All applications are confidential **
** some information may be used for our sub prime lenders so that you may take out loans that you can utilize when you don’t earn any money on this job.

Warehouse.

In love with repetitive work? Are you subservient? Lack self-esteem? Afraid of authority? Expect no reward for hard work? Live for the weekend? However, will sacrifice your weekend for your boss’s betterment? If yes to all of these questions fax: 502-999-1111. On the cover sheet of your fax write: @111+???////*. Include your name, address, phone number, email, cellphone, mother’s maiden name and include a photograph of yourself jumping through a hoop while squeezing blood from a stone. Benefits include: Prozac, coffee and Redbull voachers. Readers and Alchemists need not apply.

Part Time.

Seven half days per week. Monday to Sunday, including Judgement day if necessary, refilling potholes with dried oatmeal. Will train. Won’t pay. Only joking. Benefits, aha. Fuck you. To apply go to the corner of Hubbards Lane and Brownsborough Road and defecate until you are arrested. From your police cell remote view Simon at cordinates 29-52 and request his help. Former applicants need not apply.

Paulo Sparticus At The Movies: The Departed

2007-09-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

First time director Martin Scorcese revolutionises the black-and-white movie by filming it in color. The Departed, a remake of Japanese director David Lean’s 1933 comedy, The Great Escape, abandons its original science fiction premise and sets the movie in a funeral home. Spanish American Scorcese eschews his native Arabic language and films the movie in English, a dialect he can not speak. But the gamble pays off. Jack Nicholson, in his first film since Stephen King’s 1969 adaptation of Wuthering Heights gives the kind of performance that has been lacking in bourgeois American cinema.

Since he stole the election back in 1998 George “Walker” Bush has hamstrung the film industry with legislation designed to curtail dissent. His edicts for film-makers have included: no kissing, no driving in cars, no sitting on beds, and no consumption of ice cream. By breaking all of these rules the Hispanic firebrand gives a middle finger salute to the oppressive, tyrannical, fascist, racist, homophobic, racist, anti-Semitic, racist, Sean Hannity-loving, country club attending, racist elite who should be branded with tattoos of the World Trade Center buildings being brought down with controlled demolitions.

This film is a new beginning. When Matt Damon sits on the bed and kisses his wife, then gets in his car and drives to a Dairy Queen, buys and eats and ice cream, you know that Scorcese is telling us to rise up as one and escape the oppressive yoke of George Warfare Bush.

The Voice of Alzheimers:The Mind Of Jim Bunning

2007-09-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

I am neither black nor white. Some have said I am not of this world. This is clearly wrong. I am of human stock and have no extra-terrestial blood. In this world I happen to belong to a geographical economic unit called the United States. In the United States I devote myself to assisting the people. Some of the people are a color that is at variance with my shade of Artic Sunrise. This does not bother me. Some of my country club pals ask me how I do it. I shrug my shoulders and say, “Hey Jefferson, bring me another cigar”. Meeting a “black” is much like meeting one of your own. The only difference is – well there are too many for this column. However, odor and quality of person are worth mentioning. Despite being color blind I do see that black people destroy property and agitate at a rate that would cause a white person to fire a shotgun indiscriminately at blithe consumers in a shopping mall. Statistically, very few white people do these things. This is why I like George W. Bush. He is a man that would never go to a shopping mall and kill people. He would delegate something like that.

The Democrats hate Bush because he is very popular with the electorate, he wears suits, and is not interested in kissing men. Moreover, he allows the American people to compete in the global market with our friends in China, India, and Rhodesia. Unlike the party of Osama Bin Laden who would rather our men and girls in uniform go completely naked into battle. These young naked, ripped bodies with no excess of fat are torn apart by enemy fire because Democrats do not believe in clothing our soldiers. They want to turn our military into an extension of the porn industry. That, my fellow constituents is hard to swallow. I understand the military. I served my time in the army- I waited tables during my freshman year at college in the canteen at Ft. Campbell. I know that the average male human and girl human combatant needs their body covered in order for that combatant to perform acts of necessary violence. It is a human right to be sartorially encased. It is as American as baseball and Shakespeare.

Baseball was at the forefront of my mind on a recent trip I took to Jordan. Like many people I had never heard of this tiny, insignificant country before my PR team indicated that I could raise my public profile before the next election by meeting some of the top people in this place which was surprisingly not named after the famous Negro hoop boy. My entourage and I met with the Jordanian king. I tried to tell him about the famous basketball player but he had not idea of what I was talking about. It seems he does not know how to speak American. He spoke some horrible dialect and then a lackey somehow turned the gibberish into common American. I spent most of the time talking to the lackey. In turn, he translated my words into the mildly revolting language that the king – I forget his name – could comprehend.

On the whole, Jordan is an unnecessary little country that has no oil and no other minerals of interest to exploit. I advised the king to become part of Israel. He looked at me without responding. I suspect he was considering the offer. He then left the room without offering me a goodbye. I was not surprised. This is the Arab nature and he did look suspiciously like one of Saddam Hussein’s sons. The dead one.

Xavier Azure is a property developer, philanthropist, consultant, and now a columnist for LSD.

2007-09-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

I don’t know anyone more capable than me. I really don’t. I know many people that are capable, like presidents, movie stars, and Microsoft billionaires who wear glasses, but I don’t know anyone like me. I am revitalizing Louisville one brick at a time with my revolutionary property development company that with a flash of brilliance (following a superb glass of wine at Vincenzo’s) I called “Samantha”. Don’t ask me why because I do not know. I just did it. I am not a procrastinator. I could have delayed that last sentence but I just went ahead and got my intern to type it. That is the difference. I say and I do. I do and I say. I do and I do. I say and I say.

I remember a few years ago while at Country Day (My high school), the famous movie director Stu Pollard (knew him as Stuart back then) said to me, “catch the ball” and I did. I did it. Even as a teenager I was demonstrating this “can do” attitude. I strongly believe that I inspired Stu to go on to be the enormous talent that he is today. He clearly based his last movie Keep Your Distance on a story that I told him back in 8th grade – only I lied – I wrote it in 5th grade. That is another example of my spontaneity and is a testament to my prodigious creativity.

Because of my manifold talents as a child and a teenager, I was often bullied by cowards who thought it appropriate behavior to call me names such as: “Queer”, “faggot”, and “bum bandit”. None of this is true. I am neither a queer, faggot nor a bum bandit. I am, as my wife will attest, a truly great lover. There probably isn’t anybody more virile than me. I am not exaggerating. If a way of measuring virility existed I would come out on top (and boy am I attractive to women!) Just ask my mother.

I believe in helping the poor help themselves. That is why I rarely give money to charities. If you give a poor man money he will buy cigarettes and liquor, however if you give him a fishing rod he will go down to the Ohio and catch his dinner. On second thoughts, he would probably pawn the fishing rod and buy cigarettes and liquor with the cash.

My new Foundation is addressing the problem of poverty. We hold “respect” classes in community centers throughout Kentucky that teach the poor to respect those that have an abundance of wealth. Once the poor intellect understands how to respect the free enterprise system the meek man and woman will benefit from its bountiful treasury. I believe this is my calling from God. I think I am well on my way to fulfilling biblical prophecy as a facilitator in awakening the entrepreneur in the poor, meek man so that he can inherit the earth. My pastor assures me that once this happens there will still be astonishingly rich people like me but the meek will be given bigger tax breaks and adopt a faith based lifestyle which will empower them to take back America from the liberal elite and sexual deviants who pollute our governmental system like a badly plumbed toilet. I say, “find a good plumber” and “get the crap out of the pot!”

In summation, stay in school, go to work, don’t take drugs, wear a suit to church and don’t think too much. It has always worked for me!